Grandma's funeral

A Bittersweet Farewell
Families: A matriarch's death ends her dream of a reunion with a long-lost
son. But for her relatives, his rediscovery provides some solace.
By MICHAEL QUINTANILLA, TIMES STAFF WRITER
Home Edition View Part E Page 1 Column 4 View Desk
19 inches; 670 words

In my dreams, my dearest mother, I miss you. During my waking hours,during my sleeping hours I miss you. . . . To learn that you are still alivebrings me joy, to know that you are coming to see me is a dream come true. . . --Kang Dae-Yong, in a letter to his mother.

Kang Dae-Yong's dream--to see his mother one last time--has come to ane nd, about two months after he learned she was still alive and 41 yearsafter the Korean war separated them.

Kang Dae-Yong, 60, had hoped to reunite with his 80-year-old mother,Hae ng-Ok Kang, this summer in North Korea, shortly after they found eachother thro ugh an exchange program for Korean families separated by thewar. Before she could make the trip, however, Mrs. Kang suffered a strokeand went into a coma. She died Aug. 1.

Initially, her family--four generations of whom now live in Los Angeles,negotiated
with the North Korean government to bring Kang Dae-Yong here to visi t hismother in the hospital.

The North Koreans finally agreed to let Kang Dae-Yong come, with anescort, but they canceled the trip once they learned that his mother haddied.

The family then tried to get the North Koreans to let him come for hism other's memorial service or, at least, to say goodby to her before shewas buried.

Final rejection of their request came Tuesday, the day before herservice. Burial is scheduled for Saturday.

State Department officials say the Kang family's story is like that ofthousands of other families split during the Korean War. Haeng-Ok Kang,who emigr ated with her five other children in the mid-1970s, spent four decadessearching for her eldest son through queries to officials, veterans' groupsand refugee camps.

Kang Dae-Yong was 19 in 1950 when he left his family home to return toschool in Seoul. He disappeared. Forty-one years later, he learned his motherwas living in Los Angeles. He wrote her that he had been drafted into theNorth Kor ean army. He now lives in North Korea with his wife and family. A State Department spokesman said that although visitors are allowedint o the communist country, only diplomats and members of North Korea'sObserver Mi ssion to the United Nations are granted visas to come to theUnited States.

Nonetheless, Haeng-Ok Kang's second oldest son, Dae-Yang Kang, said,"Ever since my mother went into a coma, I really believed my brotherwas going to m ake it here." Dae-Yang Kang, 57, who owns an Inglewood servicestation, says he and other family members are considering a trip to North Korea.

"This has been a bittersweet ordeal for my family," he says. For the next seven weeks, he will sleep next to a shrine for his mother he hasset up in hi s house--a Korean tradition symbolizing grief and repentance. "We are saddened by my mother's death, but at least now we can consolee ach other by knowing my brother is alive and well," he says. Relatives and friends paid their last respects Wednesday night, at aser vice at the Korean Funeral Home in Los Angeles. At the front of the incense-filled room, 10 grandchildren led aprocessi on, carrying the casket, a huge red banner with their grandmother'sname in glit ter, large portraits of her and a tray of fruit and rice winethat symbolically invited her spirit to the farewell service.The tributes included the reading of a letter from Kang Dae-Yong thatar rived after his mother lapsed into the coma. "Now that you have learned of my well-being after such long periodsof heartaches and worries," he wrote, "I dearly wish that the flowerof laughter blossoms and blossoms on your face and sets your heart at ease."

Friends and family recounted her struggle to keep her family togetheraf ter her husband was killed during the Korean War. Widowed at 39, shesupported h er children by working in the fields. At night, hunched overa sewing machine, s he stitched clothes for village children to supplementher income.

In a tape recording played at Wednesday night's service, Kang'sgrandmot her said: "You will only be treated well if you treat otherswell." Two years ago, Haeng-Ok Kang gathered a group of family women to helpha nd-stitch her burial garments, made of delicate white handmade silk andlined wi th hand-woven hemp cloth. She had asked her sister in South Koreato bring the fabric during a visit.

For several days the women diligently stitched a long robe, trousersand a floor-length skirt, resembling garments worn by a goddess in Koreanmythology . They also sewed two thick blankets, a pair of oversized, pointed-toedsocks called buh-sun, scarfs to wrap her hands, neck and chin and a maskto cover her face--to protect her in her journey to juh-seung , the next world.

Wednesday night, Haeng-Ok Kang was dressed in those garments.At her side was a small silk pouch. Inside were her reading glasses andthe first letter she received from her long-lost son.

PHOTO: COLOR, The women of the Kang family examine burial garments inpreparatio n for Haeng-Ok Kang's funeral service. Behind them is the shrinethat will be ke pt for 49 days at the home of her second son.

Here's a lette to the Los Angeles Times Editor .